


Technically, it's not prostitution

by stairwaytoyuri



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Christmas Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Funny, Gay, Light-Hearted, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Multi, My First AO3 Post
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-06-10 02:34:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6935236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stairwaytoyuri/pseuds/stairwaytoyuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alone on Thanksgiving? Mad at your dad or other family member?<br/>Then you’re in luck! I’m a 20 year old college drop-out that is male. I have a dirty old van that is older than I am, actually. I can pretend to be anywhere from 16 to like 25, depending if I shave. I<br/>work at Starbucks throughout the week and at a sketchy bar on the weekends.<br/>I could be your strictly platonic date for Christmas that could pretend to be your romantic partner! I’m especially good at tormenting your family!<br/>I can do these things at request:<br/>Openly hit on other family members while you pretend you don’t notice<br/>Pretend to be really drunk<br/>Start a discussion about politics/religion<br/>Propose to you in front of everyone<br/>Start an actual fight, either inside or outside for the neighbours to see<br/>I require no payment, except a meal. That’d be great. </p><p>*****<br/>Phil groaned. ‘No way, nu-uh! What if he murders me? Or my cat?’<br/>‘Then I will apologise,’ PJ answered.<br/>Phil just looked at him. ‘Is this serious? Am I that desperate?’<br/>‘I mean, it’s your call, buddy.’<br/>‘Well, of course I am not! I won’t message him!’<br/>In the end, he did.<br/>****</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii! I'm Eliza and this is my first official fanfic yay! Let me know if you like it and send me feedback of course!! It keeps me motivated :D
> 
> So yeah, thank you so so so much for reading and have fun!

Phil sighed and looked outside of his the classroom window. It was Friday, the last school day before his well-earned Christmas break. He could finally go home for Christmas from university! It was freezing outside – snow everywhere. It looked like it was going to be a white Christmas this year. That if he could make it through this lecture. It was taking forever! Phil looked over to his friend next to him, PJ, who looked as bored as Phil was. No one wanted to be here right now, probably not even the teacher. Phil sighed again and looked at the clock. It looks like no time had passed. 

‘Hey, PJ,’ Phil whispered.

‘What?’ PJ whispered back.

‘How long until this lecture is over?’

PJ stretched and looked at the clock. ‘Like… 20 more minutes?’

Phil groaned. He took out his phone and saw his mom had texted him.

Hello Philip! I can’t wait for you to come back home for Christmas. I hope your boyfriend is as excited as you are! X Mom

Oh no, Phil thought, he forgot to tell his parents they broke up. Ugh great, what is he going to tell them now? He can’t come home for Christmas all single and lonely like the loser he actually is. Phil groaned harder. PJ looked at him.

‘What’s up?’ PJ whispered.

‘I forgot to tell my parents me and the-one-who-shall-not-be-named broke up. What am I going to do now? I can’t come home single? Like a loser?’

PJ smiled. ‘Wait till we get to out dorm – I have just the right thing for you.’

Phil looked confused, but PJ just smiled.

Ha, yeah, we’re both SUPER excited. Can’t wait, mom!

When the lecture was finally over, PJ dragged Phil to his dorm room. Phil was extremely curious. He couldn’t think of anything that could solve this problem. 

‘What is it?’ Phil kept asking.

‘You’ll see,’ PJ said.

‘Is it the black market?’ Phil asked.

‘Not exactly,’ PJ said.

‘Prostitution?’

‘Kind of,’ PJ answered.

Phil looked at him weirdly. Phil sat down on PJ’s bed and PJ opened his laptop. 

‘So I was on craigslist the other day, not that I’m a creep, okay well, I kind of am,’ PJ said as Phil chuckled, 'and I saw this ad. I thought it was funny but thought nothing of it, but then you told me your troubles and it clicked. It may have been destiny, it may have been a coincidence, but, well…,’ PJ said and he showed Phil his laptop. 

 

Alone on Thanksgiving? Mad at your dad or other family member?

Then you’re in luck! I’m a 20 year old college drop-out that is male. I have a dirty old van that is older than I am, actually. I can pretend to be anywhere from 16 to like 25, depending if I shave. I  
work at Starbucks throughout the week and at a sketchy bar on the weekends.  
I could be your strictly platonic date for Christmas that could pretend to be your romantic partner! I’m especially good at tormenting your family!  
I can do these things at request:  
\- Openly hit on other family members while you pretend you don’t notice  
\- Pretend to be really drunk  
\- Start a discussion about politics/religion  
\- Propose to you in front of everyone  
\- Start an actual fight, either inside or outside for the neighbours to see

I require no payment, except a meal. That’d be great. 

 

Phil looked up from the screen at PJ. ‘Are you serious? This guy sounds terrible!’

PJ looked kind of offended. ‘Hey! Do you have a better idea?’

‘Well, no! Not really! But I don’t want to torment my family?’

‘Hey, it’s your call, dude. But, you know, this or be in your brother’s shadow forever?’

Phil groaned. ‘No way, nu-uh! What if he murders me? Or my cat?’

‘Then I will apologise,’ PJ answered.

Phil just looked at him. ‘Is this serious? Am I that desperate?’ 

‘I mean, it’s your call, buddy.’

‘Well, of course I am not! I won’t message him!’

In the end, he did. 

His name is actually Dan Howell. He’s pretty alright once you start to text him – really awkward though. He was also surprised that Phil didn’t want to embarrass his own family. Phil ordered Dan to act “normal” and “casual” and to leave a good impression. Dan prepared a whole script of lies to leave a good impression, but Phil just said no.  
Texting and calling Dan was actually a great way to pass the weekend. Phil must admit, it was pretty funny. Dan likes to aim high, Phil guessed.

‘How about I tell your parents I’m an astronaut?’ Dan asked.

‘No, you study English, like Charlie did.’

‘Man, you’re no fun. Who is Charlie anyway?’

‘That’s a story for another time, Daniel. Hey, look, I still have to pack. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow? Please don’t be late,’ Phil said.

‘Pfff, of course I won’t be late! I’ll be like 30 minutes early! Or, maybe, 5!’

‘Yeah… we’ll see,’ Phil said and hung up.

So when Sunday finally arrived, Phil couldn’t be any more nervous. He was about to meet up with a sketchy guy from the internet, go into a car with him, and take him to his family. No big deal. No big deal at all. Phil hated PJ at that moment. If someone dies, it’ll be all on PJ. If Phil’s at dies, it’ll be for sure on PJ.

Phil sat nervously in his dorm room, waiting for Dan’s call to tell him he’s here. Most of his friends already left or are leaving today, so it’s very quiet. It seemed like time couldn’t be going any slower. Seconds felt more like minutes. Phil couldn’t distract himself with anything, his mind always went back to what could go wrong. And, well, there were a lot of things that could go wrong. Dan could actually be a rapist, or a serial killer. Maybe even a psycho? 

Phil’s phone rang. He swallowed hard and answered. ‘Hello?’

‘Hey, yeah, this is Dan. I’m outside your dorm. Ha, that sounded creepy, didn’t it?’

Phil chuckled, he couldn’t help it. ‘Y-yeah… Um, I’ll be there in a sec, okay?’

‘Yeah, okay, see you later, alligator.’

Phil hung up. ‘Why am I doing this again?’ he asked himself. Phil picked up his bags and walked out of his room, not knowing what kind of adventure was waiting for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you will enjoy this chapter! I did my best, but please keep in mind English is not my first language so don't be too mad at me for silly mistakes! (^_^') feel free to correct them in the comments though!
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter is so short, though! But the next one will be a lil longer, so I hope it'll be worth the wait! I'm so excited to post though! It's pretty good in my opinion!! haha 
> 
> So, okay sorry for the ramble! Hope you will enjoy this chapter yay!! (✿◠‿◠)

Phil’s smile immediately disappeared when he saw Dan’s old, dirty van.

‘What?’ Dan asked.

‘There is NO way we’re going to my parents with THAT,’ he said.

‘Aw come on! Why not? This is the worst fake date I have ever had.’

Phil just looked at him amazed. ‘How many did you have then, hm? I’m sorry I don’t want to disappoint my parents!’

Dan chuckled. ‘We just met and we’re already fighting like an old marry couple. I love this. This is going to be so much fun.’

Phil sighed. ‘Come on, let’s just… take my car.’

***

Dan isn’t much of a talker but Phil didn’t mind. He had the radio and he barely even knew the guy. What would they talk about anyway? This was more awkward than Phil had imagined. But, what else could he expect? 

‘So…. Hobby’s?’ Dan asked.

‘Ummm I like writing! And giving water to plants.’

‘Aw that’s cute,’ Dan answered.

Phil blushed. ‘You’re cute.’

Dan blushed too. Well… this was awkward. They didn’t know what to say so they just sat in silence.

‘Oh! Muse! I love Muse,’ Dan said as he reached the volume button to turn up the song.

Phil smiled. ‘Yeah I like Muse too!’

‘Oh, man, that’s so cool. I love Muse so much. It’s like, the best thing ever,’ Dan said enthusiastically.

‘Wanna play 21 questions?’ Phil asked, not taking his eyes off the road.

‘Oh yeah, totally!’ Dan said, as he grabbed a bag of potato chips and opened them.

‘Uh, okay ummm,’ Phil said as he thought of a question. ‘What’s the last dream you had?’

Dan opened his mouth filled with potato chips – it was quite hard to swallow and talk. ‘I don’t remember. I do remember it was really vivid, though.’

‘Ohhh you have vivid dreams?’ Phil asked.

‘Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Okay, my turn,’ Dan said. ‘Uhhh… Are your parents strict?’

‘Uh, not really. My mum is pretty cool. She cooks really well, I’m sure you will like it!’ Phil answered.

‘Honestly Phil, at this point in my life I even think McDonald’s cooks really well.’

Phil chuckled. ‘Should I feel offended?’

‘No! Of course not! Your mums food is probably like a 5-star rating on Yelp.’

Phil laughed. ‘Oh God, Dan. You’re really one of a kind. Okay, uh, any talents?’

‘I play piano,’ Dan said nonchalantly. 

‘Ah, so you’re at least a little sophisticated,’ Phil chuckled.

‘Wow, Phil. I am so hurt.’

Phil laughed really hard now. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!’ 

‘It’s okay! I thought it was pretty funny,’ Dan said. 

And at that point Phil took quite a sharp turn, but Dan didn’t wear his seatbelt. The turn was so sharp that it pulled Dan towards Phil. To be more specific, his crotch. Dan fell on Phil’s crotch with his head. You can only imagine how that looked to the car next to them. Phil yelled, Dan yelled, it was a mess.

‘Why didn’t you wear your seatbelt?’ Phil asked kind of angrily.

‘I’m sorry! I never do! It’s not like I mean to fall face first onto your penis!’ Dan exclaimed.

Phil sighed. ‘It’s okay, it’s okay,’ he said.

And they both started laughing at that point.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh originally my plan was to post a chapter each week, but i was waayyyy too excited about this one so I'm posting it now!!! (you don't know how much willpower it took to not post it yesterday bhfvrey) But anyway! I hope you will enjoy this one!!!! I did enjoy writing it sooo haha
> 
> let me know what you thought of it and have fun reading!!

When they finally arrived, they were both still laughing about the crotch thing. Probably to hide the fact that they were both extremely nervous. Dan, because he had no idea what to expect of Phil’s family and needs to leave a good impression, and Phil, because he ordered a complete stranger off Craigslist to leave a good impression as his boyfriend on his whole family. Basically, things couldn’t be any better.

They both got out of the warm car into the cold winter air to get their bags from the trunk. Dan left his jacket in his bag, so he the cold really made him shiver. He forgot how cold the winter could be up north. He just wanted to get the bags and go inside as soon as he could, but of course Phil’s mom had to come outside to say hi.

‘Philip!’ she exclaimed. ‘Good to see you, honey.’

‘Hi, mom. Good to see you too,’ he said. 

‘Oh, and you must be…’ Phil’s mom said.

‘Daniel,’ Dan helped her. ‘I’m Daniel, Phil’s amazing boyfriend,’ he added with a cheeky smile.

‘Oh, Daniel, of course,’ Phil’s mom grinned. ‘It’s so nice to finally meet you! I’ve heard so much about you.’

Phil blushed. ‘Mom, um, we should go inside, Dan’s very cold.’

‘Oh, yes, of course! How silly of me!’ she said. ‘Come on, boys, I made some tea.’

Phil just looked at Dan and Dan grinned back. This was going to be a fun week, thought Dan. While Phil thought about how horrible this is going to be.

‘Why don’t you two go upstairs and leave your bags? The tea will be done in a minute,’ Phil’s mom said. 

The boys nodded and made their way up. Dan really liked Phil’s home. It was very cozy and warm and everyone was really nice to him so far. Plus, the stairs made that old creaking sound, which made him happy. 

***

‘Phil’s amazing boyfriend?!’ Phil yelled but whispered when they were in his old room.

Dan laughed. ‘Oh come on! It was funny! Your mom thought it was funny,’ Dan reassured.

‘This is not what I’m paying you for!’ Phil said.

‘You’re not paying me at all,’ Dan said, still laughing about Phil’s comment.

‘Yeah, but, ugh!’ Phil said and walked up to Dan, grabbing him by his shoulders and looking into his eyes, ‘this is very important to me.’

‘Okay, okay, sorry,’ Dan said, kind of scared now. 

‘No, no, you don’t understand. And I guess you don’t need to, but you need to know this is just… super super important to me, okay?’

‘Yeah, okay dude,’ Dan said.

‘Boys! The tea is getting cold!’ Phil’s mom yelled.

‘Coming, Mrs Lester!’ Dan said.

Phil just looked at him. ‘What?’ was Dan’s reaction.

***

‘Are you excited to see your brother, Phil?’ his mom asked.

‘Oh yes, I can’t wait! haha…, ‘ said Phil.

‘Well, that doesn’t sound that convincing,’ Dan said as he bit on a biscuit.

‘Yeah, Dan’s right. Why aren’t you excited, Philip?’

Phil glared at Dan. Look at his stupid face, eating that stupid biscuit. ‘Well, um, no reason really,’ he said as he sipped his tea.

‘Well… if you don’t want to-’ Phil’s mom said but she was interrupted by Dan’s extremely loud scream as he dropped his mug on himself and the hot tea fell all over him.

‘AH OH MY SWEET JESUS THIS IS SO HOT,’ Dan yelled.

‘DANIEL,’ Phil’s mom yelled as she ran to the kitchen to get some napkins and cold water.

‘HELP ME GET THIS SHIRT OFF,’ Dan yelled.

Phil panicked and took off Dan’s shirt. His whole chest and tummy were red. ‘Oh my God, Dan you need to get cold water over you!’ Phil yelled.

Phil pulled Dan to the bathroom and turned on the cold water and pushed Dan under the shower.

‘HOLY GOOSE BALLS THIS IS SO COLD,’ Dan yelled now.

Phil just stood there awkwardly as his “boyfriend” was taking a cold shower. Just now Phil noticed how pretty Dan’s body actually was. He has quite muscular arms and a V-line that made Phil’s heart beat a little faster. Phil’s mom came into the bathroom as Phil was drooling over Dan’s half naked body while Dan made weird faces because of  
the cold. This whole thing was a mess. 

***

‘Wild first day, huh?’ Daniel said as Phil was brushing his teeth. ‘God I’m sooo tired! Can’t wait to meet your brother, honestly,’ Daniel said, but Phil just looked at him.

Phil spit out his toothpaste. ‘You’re horrible,’ he said.

Dan chuckled. ‘I’m sorry, okay! It was accident!’

Phil rolled his eyes. ‘You’re sleeping on the floor.’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler chapter!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello lovelies! Yet another chapter of this weird fanfic! I hope you enjoy it!!!  
> Also, don't hesitate to leave some feedback or any ideas for further chapters!!! ☆ ～('▽^人)

Dan woke up first. Since this wasn’t his own home, he didn’t really know what to do. But because he has slept at many houses that weren’t his own and he was Phil’s boyfriend, he decided to go downstairs. His back hurt from sleeping on the hard floor, but he was sure Phil would change his mind soon. 

‘Oh, Daniel, you’re awake!’ Phil’s mother said.

‘Ah yes, I am,’ Dan answered, still kind of sleepy.

‘Did you sleep well? I hope Phil’s bed wasn’t too uncomfortable?’

‘Oh, I slept wonderfully, thank you mrs Lester,’ Dan lied. 

‘That’s wonderful. Do you want some breakfast, sweetie?’

‘Oh, yes, please, I’m starving.’

Phil’s mom chuckled. ‘Well, than you will have to help me with it.’

Since Dan lived off instant noodles, he didn’t really have any cooking skills whatsoever. He couldn’t even break an egg. So Phil’s mom taught him, of course. Maybe this trip will be more helpful than Dan has thought. 

‘Oh, Daniel, how do you want to date my son if you can’t even cook!’ Phil’s mom laughed. 

‘I’m sorry, I’m just really clumsy!’ Dan laughed as well. 

Meanwhile, Phil had awoken. For a second he had forgot that he introduced a stranger that he met off the internet to his family. But when he turned around, and saw the empty “bed” on the floor, he almost got a heart attack. What if he’s murdering my parents? What if he’s murdering my mom? What if he’s licking their blood off a knife right now?   
He tripped while he was running downstairs. ‘DANIEL?’ he yelled as hard as he could.

‘In the kitchen, love!’ Dan yelled back at a reasonable tone.

What if he’s making up stories to my mom? What if he’s talking about being an astronaut? What if he’s embarrassing me? What if he’s talking? There were so many thoughts racing through Phil’s head. There is so much that could go wrong. Phil almost fell 3 times while running off the stairs. His heart has never beaten that fast in his life before. 

‘Oh, hello! Did you sleep well?’ Dan asked with some pancake dough on his cheek. ‘We’re making pancakes, your favourites!’

Phil just stood there, dumbstruck, staring at his “boyfriend” with his mom, making pancakes. Dan was taking this to a whole new level, you’d actually think they were serious. Does Dan enjoy this? 

‘I, uh,’ Phil didn’t really know what to say.

Phil’s mom turned around. ‘Oh, Philip! Go put on some trousers, we don’t need to see you in your underpants!

‘I, uh,’ Phil said again, as he looked at his legs. Still in his pajamas. ‘Yes, sorry, I’m uh, going to… change…,’ he said.

Why was he so shocked by this? Dan was literally here to play his boyfriend, but it’s so weird to Phil to be so good at it. Maybe because this is his first “boyfriend” that he’s taking   
home for Christmas. Or, actually, home for a longer period of time than an hour. But that’s besides the point. Is he actually starting to develop feelings for Dan? No, of course not, they know each other for two days. But, still, everything seems so real to Phil. 

As he was upstairs, putting on some trousers, he could hear Dan and his mom laughing. 

‘This is so weird,’ he whispered to himself. ‘So weird.’

He put on some pants and a clean t-shirt. He combed his hair to look a little bit more decent for Dan. Wait, no, to look a little more decent for himself and his parents. Not for Dan. Why would he want to look decent for Dan?

***

Since then, Phil felt more comfortable with Dan being alone around his family. Weirdly enough, his dad and his mom loved Dan, and Dan sure loved that they loved him. What was even weirder, is that this was only day 2. They have been here for 2 days. Well, actually not even 2 days. More like one and a half. But everyone already loved him! 

While Dan was getting chatty with his parents, Phil just mostly was on his tablet. Playing candy crush, reading books, talking to boys on Grindr. You know, the typical things. He actually liked being home. Dan took over all the social stuff, and Phil could finally relax - university is very stressful!

‘Phil, honey, could you go to the store with Dan to get some milk?’ his mom asked.

‘Of course,’ he said and got up. 

‘Come on, Philly,’ Dan said and gave Phil a peck on his cheek. Phil may or may not have blushed.

‘Um, yeah… r-right…,’ Phil said and he tried to cover up his face.

***

‘It’s cold up north. Colder than in Wokingham,’ Dan admitted.

‘Really? I think it’s kind of the same,’ Phil said as he covered his face a little more with his scarf.

Dan put up his Jon Snow voice. ‘Winter is coming.’

Phil chucked. ‘You’re actually pretty cute.’

Dan put his hands on his cheeks but did it a little too hard so he slapped them. He showed no pain - like a true man. ‘You think so?’ he said as tears came up his eyes because of the pain.

‘You’re such an idiot though, such an idiot.’

***

Going to the grocery store with Dan was like going to the grocery store with a little kid. ‘Can we get this? Oh and this? This too?’ over and over again. But, can you blame him? Hasn’t eaten anything besides one pound noodles for over a month. 

‘We only came here to get milk,’ Phil said.

‘Your mother is a sweetheart - she really is - but she’s too healthy! There is, like, no junkfood in your house! And, I mean, look at me! Do I look like someone who eats healthily?’

‘..... you look like a teenage boy.’

‘...Okay, well… unnecessary but true,’ Dan said. 

Phil chuckled. ‘Okay you can get three things.’

Dan’s face lit up. ‘Three?! Woah!’ and he jumped excitedly. 

***

Later that day, Phil’s mom had looked through Phil’s tablet. As you probably have guessed, she saw the grindr. She knew she should let her son have his privacy, but her curiosity was too strong. She saw a word she didn’t know though, “powerbottom”.

So, when Phil was taking a shower, she thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to ask Phil’s boyfriend about it. Since they are both gay and young and now all about the youngster lingo, he must know what it means!

‘Daniel,’ she said.

‘Yes?’ he said with his cup of hot tea in his hands, expecting a very innocent and sweet question.

‘What is a “powerbottom”?’ asked Phil’s mom.

Dan’s eyes widened and he almost spit out the tea. ‘A “powerbottom”?’ he repeated, hoping he misheard her.

‘Yes,’ she answered.

‘Oh… um, well… during, uh,sexual intercourse with gay men,’ Dan explained. He has never sweat this much. Phil’s mom was staring at him deeply, she was so interested in what Dan had to say, and to learn the new youngster lingo. ‘um, you have a uh… a bottom,’ Daniel said and took one fist to illustrate what he meant, ‘and a top,’ and he made another fist and laid that one on top of the bottom fist. He illustrated further by pounding the bottom fist with the top fist. 

Phil’s mom widened her eyes. ‘OH,’ she said.

‘Yes,’ Daniel answered, still pounding the two fists.

And then Phil came downstairs. Awkward.

***

‘You know, I hate you,’ Phil said when they were in bed. Well, Phil was in bed, Dan was on the floor.

‘You love me,’ said Dan, slowly crawling into Phil’s bed.

Phil pushed Dan’s face off his bed. ‘Don’t even talk to me,’ Phil said.

And thus, Dan slept on the floor, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey sorry to bother you (again, yikes), butttt don't forget to let me know what you thought of this chapter! I love reading your comments a lot!!! o(≧▽≦)o


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long!! I just have finals coming up, so I really have to study for them. Also, Game of Thrones fucked me up good. I mean, did you guys see the season finale? God... So I totally did name a character in this story after one of my favourite GoT characters... may she rest in peace... UGH Still... so so mad about it! And about Lady Stoneheart!!!  
> Also, there is like dirty talk in this chapter so.... yeah! Hope you enjoy that haha
> 
> Again, sorry for the delay!  
> [GOT S6E10 (FINALE) SPOILERS!!!]

Another morning, another drama-filled day! The day that Phil’s brother is arriving at their mom's house, so you can guess how exciting and awkward this is going to get!  
This time Phil woke up first. He felt kind of bad seeing Dan lying on the floor like that, it didn’t look too comfortable. Phil decided to wake him up to let him sleep in his bed while he went to do his morning stuff. 

‘Hey, Dan, wake up,’ Phil said.

Dan just groaned. 

‘You can sleep in my bed if you’d like,’ Phil said then.

Dan sheepishly climbed on Phil’s bed, cuddling up to Phil. Phil actually wanted to get up, but Dan felt so warm and soft he didn’t want to get up anymore. Like a microwaved pillow. Only that the pillow was a human and it wasn’t microwaved. So he lied there, waiting for Dan to wake up and secretly enjoy this very much. He loved the way Dan smelled, and the way his arms held him there. Phil felt safe, as if nothing could go wrong at that moment. 

‘Top of the morning to ya ladies!’ a familiar voice literally yelled as he forcefully opened the bedroom window. 

Dan woke up and fell off Phil’s bed, Phil just tried to process what happened and Phil’s brother just stood in the door frame.

‘What are you doing here?’ asked Phil bitterly. ‘Weren’t you supposed to come tonight instead of this morning?’

‘Well, yeah,’ Phil’s brother said as he was stretching, ‘but I couldn’t be without you any longer, my little brother!’

Phil just looked at him like he was ready to die, at any given moment. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?’

‘Well i thought you two lovebirds were asleep so I wanted to wake you up!’

‘By yelling?’ Dan said finally.

‘Oh, well, good morning, gorgeous!’ Phil’s brother said. 

Dan blushed but tried to look mad. It didn’t work that well.

Phil sighed and rolled his eyes. ‘Well, if you could go for now? My boyfriend and I would like some alone time.’

Phil’s brother winked at Dan and left. Phil groaned. ‘Ugh! I hate that guy!’

‘Really? He seems pretty nice…,’ said Dan, still blushing.

‘Yes, really? He yelled “top of the morning to ya ladies”?’ Phil said.

‘Okay yeah he executed that a little bad but…’ Dan said.

‘Are you in love with him because he called you gorgeous? Listen Dan, I can call you cute nicknames too. Just, please, hate him too. Please.’

‘If you call me cute nicknames I will,’ Dan answered chuckling. 

Phil rolled his eyes. ‘Let’s go downstairs.’

***

Phil’s mum was happy and energetic as always. ‘Good morning you two lovebirds! Hope Martyn didn’t interrupt anything.’

‘Oh, not at all!’ answered Dan cheerfully. While Phil was taking a shower, this was a perfect opportunity for Dan to get to know everyone a little better.

‘So, Martyn,’ said Dan. ‘How was Phil when he was little?’

Martyn chuckled. ‘Oh he was a brat! Not that I wasn’t a brat… but you know. He was always a little weird - like he is right now. Don’t you think?’

‘He seems pretty normal to me?’ said Dan.

‘Well… then you must be weird as well,’ said Martyn as he took a bite of an apple.

Daniel just smiled and looked down on his cereal. Not much later a gorgeous girl walked into the room. She had shoulder length fire red hair and a really cute, puffy face. She seemed pretty tired, they probably had to get up really early to arrive here this early. But being tired didn’t stop her from smiling and looking very friendly. She sat down at the table in between Martyn and Dan.

‘Hi, I’m Margaery,’ she said with a smile, ‘but you can totally call me Marg or whatever.’

‘I think Margaery sounds prettier,’ Dan said smiling.

Margaery smiled back, ‘Well, thank you.’ Then she turned her head to Martyn. ‘We still have some things to unpack, sweetheart.’

‘Yeah, I know, I’ll get to it. We just got here! I want to say hi to everyone, you know!’

She smiled back. ‘Of course,’ she said with another smile and went upstairs.

***

Phil and Martyn did indeed not get along together very well. They fought about everything, and I mean really everything. They fought about where they wanted to sit during  
dinner, or about what app was better to edit Instagram pictures.

So, to keep them apart for maybe at least an hour, Phil’s mom gave Phil, Dan and Margaery the task of going grocery shopping with a very long grocery list. They all agreed to go, because we all know grocery shopping is the best chore of them all. 

As they exited the door and closer, Phil grabbed Margaery’s both hands and looked her deep in the eyes. ‘You’re too good for him,’ he said, ‘run.’

Margaery smiled uncomfortably. ‘T-thank you?’ she said.

Phil drove, Margaery sat shotgun and Dan in the back. No one really said anything, except Dan who tried to make jokes, but no one laughed. Maybe because they weren’t in the mood, but maybe because his jokes weren’t that funny.

‘So, how did you and Martyn get to know each other?’ asked Phil while they were halfway down their grocery list.

‘Oh, um, from uni, you know,’ she said, still keeping her friendliness.

‘Oh, really? What did you study?’

‘I studied computer science, and now I work for Sony.’

‘Oh that’s so cool!’ answered Dan.

‘It’s not that cool,’ said Margaery, blushing slightly.

‘I’m serious, you’re way too good for him,’ said Phil.

‘Oh, stop it!’ Margaery said, blushing a little more now. ‘Martyn is a really good guy, I don’t understand why you two fight so much.’

‘It’s a long story,’ Phil answered.

***

Dan could finally sleep in Phil’s bed! Although Phil’s bed was a little small, it was way better than the floor. Though they didn’t bond or spilled their darkest secrets in Phil’s  
bed, they were both on their phone silently. All you could hear was that typing sound iPhones make.

Suddenly, Phil sat up straight. ‘Do you hear that?’ he whispered.

‘Hear what?’ Dan whispered back, sitting up straight now too.

Phil looked at him, and Dan knew exactly what he was talking about. The sound of squeaking bed and soft moans that escaped Margaery’s mouth.

‘Holy fuck, they are totally doing it,’ Dan whispered.

‘We have to have fake sex, Dan!’ Phil exclaimed, still whispering. 

Dan climbed on top of Phil and looked him deep in his eyes. You could hear the bed squeak slightly.

‘Is this necessary? Can’t we just bang on the walls?’ asked Phil.

‘This is more realistic, trust me. I’m a professional,’ answered Dan.

Dan leaned a little to the front and a little to the back, mimicking the squeaking perfectly. Phil moved a little with him, making the squeaking louder and even more realistic. Dan leaned in to Phil’s ear. ‘Moan,’ he whispered.

Phil did exactly what Dan asked him to do. Dan smiled as he looked how Phil moaned beneath him, it really did look as if they were having sex. Dan smiled even more and leaned in again to whisper something into Phil’s ear. ‘Talk dirty to me.’

Phil felt shivers running down his spine. They were faking it but it felt so real to him. ‘Oh yeah, Dan, you’re fucking me so good,’ he said, loud enough so the room next to his could hear it. ‘Harder Dan! Harder! Thrust into me harder!’ he said slightly louder now.

Dan giggled and sped up his leaning so the squeaking would speed up as well. ‘You like that? You like how my dick feels inside of you?’ Dan said.

‘Mhmm I love it, Dan! Ugh, yes!’ Phil said back.

It was all going naturally, it’s not like they had to think very hard about what to say next. 

‘Oh, Phil, I’m so close,’ whispered Dan.

‘Cum inside me, Dan. Please, please, cum inside me!’

Dan grunted and mimicked sounds of cumming and so did Phil. Eventually Dan fell down next to Phil exhausted, and they both started to giggle. They looked at each others  
faces, inspecting them, knowing something has changed between them forever.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short filler chapter!
> 
> The Game Of Thrones spoiler still applies sorry guys!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blehblehblehbleh sorryyyy the writing has been a little slow, and this chapter isn't well written (not that any of my works are lmaoooo) but ugh I don't know what's up! Like, I have no big ideas for this story idk :( I will keep writing though, don't worry haha!
> 
> Anyway, I do hope you enjoy this very short chapter, I did my best!
> 
> PS. I found out Phil's mom's(??) name! It's Kathrine, I found it through one of the FNAF 4 videos, but please do correct me if I'm wrong!
> 
> [warning! Game Of Thrones S6E10 spoiler!!!!!!!]

Phil woke up snuggled up to Dan. It was cold outside, but the blanket and their embrace kept them warm. Phil didn’t expect he would feel like this, but he wished they could stay like this forever. He didn’t care about Martyn, or his parents, or that he knew Dan for less than a week. Phil liked him, maybe even a little more than liked.  
Phil blushed when he thought about what they did yesterday, He hoped Martyn and Margaery could hear them, that’d be awesome! He hoped that Martyn was jealous about his awesome and ultra gay relationship.

Meanwhile, Dan was totally pretending to be asleep. He’d been awake for a couple of hours now, but he didn’t want to wake Phil. Also because it was cold outside. But by now he had to pee a lot, so he wiggled his legs to keep it in a little longer, and that made Phil giggle and boop Dan’s nose.

‘You don’t have to pretend to be asleep, silly,’ Phil said.

‘I didn’t want to wake you,’ said Dan. 

‘It’s fine, it’s fine. Want to get up?’ Phil said, although he wanted Dan to say no.

‘Yeah, I have to pee,’ Dan said and got up in a flash.

Phil was left alone in his bed, a little disappointed. As Dan opened the door to run to the bathroom, Martyn was about to enter. Dan shrugged and ran past him, but Phil sighed and rolled his eyes.

‘What do you want?’ Phil said.

‘Had a wild night yesterday, huh?’ Martyn asked.

‘Well, speak for yourself.’

‘Oh, yeah, me and Margaery? Totally wild, Philip,’ said Martyn with a big grin.

Phil rolled his eyes. ‘You know, she’s so sweet, you don’t deserve her.’

Martyn just smiled and looked at Phil. 

***

During the afternoon, Dan got a little bored. Phil’s mom came up with a great idea though! 

‘Why don’t you boys go for a walk? You could feed the ducks,’ said Phil’s mom, who was busy in the kitchen again.

‘Yeah! That’s a great idea, don’t you think, Phil?’ asked Dan.

‘Yeah, that could be fun!,’ said Phil as he got off the couch to walk up to Dan.

Phil’s mom handed them the bread and off the two gays went! Dan had his thick coat, beanie and very long and thick scarf wrapped around him but he was still cold. Phil, however, had an open coat and a beanie and didn’t complain at all. Maybe because Phil grew up in the North he’s more accustomed to the cold, thought Dan. 

Finally they got to the ducks! Though it was cold, the ducks didn’t seem to mind. They were swimming around the lake and minding their own business. Dan smiled as he looked at Phil and he handed him a piece of bread. 

And that’s how they spent the next couple of hours, feeding birds, but mostly talking and giggling and falling in love. 

While Phil was concentrating on feeding the ducks so they wouldn’t starve to death, he heard a muffled scream from a couple meters from him. He turned around to see where it was coming from, and soon he realised it was Dan. Who was chased by geese. 

‘DAN?!’ Phil yelled

‘Help me!’ Dan yelled back, out of breath.

Phil didn’t know what to do. He just watched horrified with a sack of bread in his hands, as Dan ran at full speed towards the water. It looked like he was Quicksliver, like he was about to run on the water.

But that wasn’t the case of course. It was as if the jump was in slow motion. Dan was flying for a second, although it felt like 10, and then he splashed in the ice cold water. The geese backed off, though. 

‘Oh my God, Dan,’ Phil yelled as he ran up to him to help him get out of the water. 

‘I don’t even know what happened,’ he said. 

Phil gave him his jacket and that’s how they walked home. Both of them were extremely cold now, but they liked it. They liked being together a lot, although no one ever said it.

***

After they got home, Dan headed straight to the shower, and everyone asked what happened of course.

‘Dan got chased by geese and panicked and jumped into the lake,’ said Phil. 

‘Oh my God, is he okay?’ asked Margaery worried.

‘I think he is?’ answered Phil.

Everyone waited eagerly for Dan to come out of the shower and tell them all he’s okay, but Dan took his time showering. All of his clothes were drenched, and then lightly  
frozen. Like, there was literally a little ice on them. 

***

And that’s how this day passed. Quite slow, quite boring, but hey, not every day can be filled with adventures! 

Phil hugged Dan from behind while Dan was brushing his teeth. He rested his head on his shoulder. ‘I feel so sorry for you! That must have been so cold!’ Phil said. 

‘It was okay, don’t worry,’ Dan reassured him. 

Phil hugged him a little tighter. ‘If you say so…’

It felt like they were together forever, although they weren’t even together. They were both a little weirded out, but they liked it. They liked feeling so close to each other. They headed to bed and no one held back on cuddling. Phil’s small bed was a good excuse to be all up in each other, although they both knew they were so close because they wanted to. Phil fell asleep in Dan arms, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey thanks for reading!  
> I hope you enjoyed it! Please don't be afraid to leave a comment, I would love to hear your opinion! I love you so so much and thank you for reading this far!
> 
> Btw, 1102 hits?!?!?! Whaaaatttt? When did this happen omg thank you so much ily


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates lately, I hope this will make up though! Lots and lots of fluff. ;)

‘Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!’ yelled Margaery, giggling.

‘God, she’s so weird,’ whispered Dan, still half asleep.

Phil laughed, ‘I know right.’

They both laughed and looked at each other. It wasn’t like normal looking, it was more like craving something you can’t have and staring at it. It was the perfect moment for a kiss, and they both knew it, but they didn’t act on it.

And then Margaery ran into their room and jumped on their bed. ‘Come on, get up you lazybums!’ she yelled. She leaned in a little closer and whispered ‘we need to buy presents.’

‘Oh my God, you’re right,’ Phil said.

‘Shhh, it’s a secret though!’ Margaery whispered. 

She got off the bed and left the two boys alone. Dan sighed, he didn’t want to get up, but he had to. Funny enough, he felt like he and Phil were together forever. He felt like he belonged in this family and knew them for years, when in reality he has met Phil a week ago or so. 

‘Come on, Danny boy,’ said Phil while he got up, ‘shower and breakfast time.’

Dan groaned but got up anyway. They both went downstairs for breakfast. Everyone already ate, apparently, so they were the only ones still in their pajamas. 

‘You boys sure love to sleep,’ said Katherine.

‘We sure do,’ said Dan, as he got a huge amount of breakfast.

‘And you sure love to eat, Daniel!’ she said, ‘you should watch out before your bum gets too big.’

Dan laughed, ‘I can’t help it, your cooking is so good, Katherine,’ he answered. 

Phil’s mom blushed. ‘You’re too nice.’

Phil just stood there behind them, watching how his fake boyfriend had a better relationship with his mother than Phil himself. 

They both sat down at the table. Margaery joined them, which they both didn’t mind, but then Martyn joined them too. 

‘Why don’t you guys shower together when you finish your breakfast? I mean, you’re a couple after all,’ she laughed, ‘you’ve seen each other naked all the time.’

Phil swallowed. ‘Oh yeah, of course. We’ve seen each other naked all the time, right Dan?’

‘Pfff yeah, of course. Yeah, sure, of course, sure.’

Margaery laughed. ‘It’ll take less time, you know, and we can go shopping sooner.’

‘Yeah, you guys should take your time, though. To gay up there,’ said Martyn.

Phil rolled his eyes, and Margaery slapped his thigh.

‘Jesus, Martyn,’ she said. ‘Why do you always have to be like this?’

Martyn laughed. ‘I was kidding, gorgeous, don’t worry,’ he said and then devoured Margaery’s face. Phil rolled his eyes harder.

***

‘So, do we both get naked, or what?’ whispered Dan.

‘God, I don’t know,’ said Phil. 

‘I think we should just do it,’ said Dan, ‘we’re both guys, after all.’

‘Yeah, we’re just guys being dudes,’ said Phil as he began taking off his pajamas.

‘Yeah, nothing gay about that,’ said Dan as he began taking off his clothes as well. 

They both got under the hot shower. At first it was kind of awkward, but they got used to it. Phil was totally drooling over Dan’s body though. That chest and cute tummy, that booty, he could finally see it all. Until Dan sprayed his head with the showerhead and his hair got into his eyes. 

‘Dude,’ said Phil laughing.

Dan laughed in response. ‘So what do you think about the copyright laws? The fair use and stuff?’ said Dan as he began to shower. 

‘Oh, yeah, I think fair use is a good concept but it’s clear it’s not working for YouTube,’ answered Phil as he began to soap his skin up. 

‘Really? Why?’ said Dan.

‘Well, you can see that the owner of the material clearly has more rights than the user, which sounds good, but doesn’t work well. See, you know how you can select how many   
seconds of the video you upload can be used for fair use, right?’ Phil stopped for a second because he got some soap in his eye. ‘Well, a lot of creators select 0 seconds, which isn’t very good in my opinion. Now, when some other creators want to use it to quote them, or to react to them, they get banned.’

‘I totally agree,’ said Dan. ‘I know it’s to protect the owner, but this just goes too far, in my opinion.’

‘Yeah, exactly! What about the artist copyright law? Like the lifetime of the artist plus 20 years or something?’ asked Phil, there was too much soap in his eye.

‘Oh that’s total bullshit in my opinion. Like, now new independent artists can’t make remakes of Star Wars for example, only big companies with a lot of money that can buy over   
the rights. How am I supposed to get a next gen Star Wars movie?’ said Dan as he helped Phil wash his hair. 

‘Really? I think it’s a good idea, it keeps originality, you know,’ Phil stopped because he got some soap in his eyes again due to Dan’s expert shampooing. ‘I mean, like, otherwise you would get remakes everywhere. This forces film producers to be creative,’ he said. 

And that’s how they argued for over 30 minutes. I must say, showering together didn’t take less time. 

***

Margaery seemed quite happy to be away from Martyn and his whole family. She thought they were lovely, but she confessed there was too much pressure for her to be likeable. 

‘How can someone not like you, you’re lovely!’ said Dan.

Margaery blushed. Phil, however, glared. Great, first Martyn and now Margaery stealing his fake boyfriend that he’s still jealous about. 

The shopping was fun, if you don’t count Phil being a jealous poo all the time. Phil knew that Dan was his FAKE boyfriend, but still, he was jealous. In fact, he was so jealous that he couldn’t really concentrate on buying presents. 

Margaery was watching at some sweaters Phil’s mom mentioned she liked, while Dan was helping her pick one out. Maybe it was Phil’s fault he lagged a little behind, he wasn’t actively taking part of the conversation, or the buying of presents. 

‘Oh look, a mistletoe,’ said Dan.

‘Shouldn’t you guys kiss then?’ giggled Margaery.

And suddenly all of Phil’s jealousy washed away. Dan looked a little awkwardly at Phil and blushed a little. Phil’s eyes widened and he blushed too, but a lot.

‘Oh, go on! Don’t be such prudes.’ Margaery said.

‘I, uh, I guess we have to do it then, huh,’ said Dan a little awkwardly.

‘Ha! Yeah, yeah, we gotta,’ answered Phil.

The boys came in closer and closer slowly, until Dan grabbed Phil’s arms. Phil’s heart has never beaten this fast, there has never been so much blood in his cheeks. He was so hot   
suddenly, it felt like summer, not like cold Northern winter. 

Dan came in closer and closer, but instead going to his lips he went for his ear. ‘I have never kissed anyone before,’ he whispered as softly as possible.

Dan blushed like crazy now and Phil stiffened. Is Phil going to be Dan’s first kiss? In front of all these people? Phil decided to just go for it, so that it will be over as soon as possible for everyone. Phil looked into Dan’s eyes, he nodded as an encouragement for Phil to go on. Phil took a deep breath and planted a light peck on Dan’s lips. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make both of them blush. Dan’s lips felt so soft and kissable, it shocked Phil that no one has ever kissed him.

‘Was that it? Come on, I want some more! A little tongue?’ said Margaery, encouraging the boys. 

‘Oh, I, uh, don’t know if, uh,’ Dan said, but he was underbroken by Phil.

Phil took Dan’s chin in both of his hands and really kissed Dan. First their lips met and touched, it felt like they were melting into each other. Then, Phil tried to put his tongue into Dan’s mouth. Dan was whimpering and shaking a little, unsure of what he was doing but he knew he enjoyed it. Dan opened his mouth a little to welcome Phil’s tongue. Poor Dan had no idea what to do, so he clumsily wrapped his tongue around Phil’s, making him giggle a little. Phil thought Dan was so cute, he was so innocent and so clumsy. He was breathing heavily and his heart was pounding as if it wanted to escape his body. He felt a little dizzy, but he wouldn’t let go of Phil’s lips. Never. Until Phil let go.

Dan looked a little disappointed at Phil. He was still craving more. Who knew kissing would be this great?

‘That’s what I’m talking about!’ Margaery said, and they continued shopping as if nothing happened.

***

‘So, was I your first kiss, Mr. Howell?’ asked Phil when they were in their pajamas on Phil’s bed.

Dan blushed and looked at the ground. ‘Y-Y-Yeah….’ he said, embarrassed.

Phil laughed. ‘You’re so cute! Maybe we can practice some time,’ Phil said jokingly. 

Dan blushed. ‘Really? I mean, like, I’m down if you’re down, you know.’ 

Phil just smiled. ‘We’ll see’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey thank you so much for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it! Don't be afraid to leave a comment with feedback or your opinion or something. Thank you so much for reading again and have a nice day/night!


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